Heh, get it? Quickies. Like the reading series that just said goodbye to co-host Mary Hamilton cause that ho is moving to LA? Like the reading series I’m reviewing right now, at this very moment?
Oh, go to hell. Puns are cool.
Goodbyes can get awkward. They can be teary-eyed catastrophes where people turn into miserable, blubbering messes. If you’re a pussy, that is. Thankfully, Mary Hamilton ain’t no pussy. She’s one tough broad. She kept the waterworks at bay, which helped her last Chicago Quickies! stand out as something to remember (and not be embarrassed about).
Quickies!, the reading where participants must read their entire story in four minutes or less, had a few differences this time around. Firstly, Lindsay Hunter (1), Mary’s other half, had instructed all the writers involved to read something that had to do with Mary. The topics and themes were quite varied. Robbie Q. Telfer’s honored the Hamilton by speaking about Night Court’s Bull Shannon. (3) Most interesting was Jacob Knabb, who is typically loathed for singing at readings, I mean, really hated, but outdid himself with his extremely enjoyable rendition of Boys II Men’s “End of the Road” (4). What stood out most was Theo Huxtable (5), mentioned in practically every piece, exemplifying Mary’s apparent “perfect man.” (Dyslexic, but handsome, amirite? High five!)
The most entertaining parts of the night came from Mary Hamilton’s whistle (not a euphemism). Typically, whenever a reader hits the four minute mark, Mary blows a whistle to signify that they should get the hell away from the mic. Rules were different this night though. She was free to whistle whenever she wanted to. For example: through all of Patrick Somerville’s piece. I have no idea what it was about, but boy is he a tough li’l soldier for continuing through Mary’s sonic onslaught. Mostly the whistle was used to keep our emotions in check, lest we turn into a buncha fourteen-year-old girls leaking salty water from our eye sockets (Dave Snyder and I turned into fourteen year old girls once, it was awful). If Robyn Pennacchia tried to profess her love to Mary while she read, then she’d get the whistle to put her in place. If Lindsay started to read something she wrote that was actually somewhat sentimental, BAM, whistle. She should know better anyways. The whistle really exemplified what Mary Hamilton is to everyone: a chick who keeps everyone in line. And everyone lets her because everyone loves her. Without Mary Hamilton, where exactly will Chicago be? I don’t quite know, but it’s gonna be real damn depressing, that’s for sure. Thanks for leaving, Mary. You asshole. (6)
- Originally, I wrote “Lindsay Hamilton,” combining Lindsay Hunter
and Mary Hamilton into one person. Big mistake, especially because
this real life combination would be disastrous. Like the perfect
serial killer. Our hobo population would disappear. I don’t care what
you say about hobos, I like them.
- This comment has nothing to do with Mary (not everything’s about
you, Hamilton), I just wanted to point out that footnotes really don’t
work well in WordPress. Sorry.
- This guy! Ugh…
- Originally, I thought he had performed “I’ll Make Love To You,”
which is another great B2Men song. I was wrong. Again. I was wrong a
lot in this review. Also, Jacob’s real high point that night was when
he and I picked up two glasses of beer, both from strangers, and drank
them down. The story to that exists below in the comments section.
Matt Rowan corrected my use of “peaked,” pointing out that I was
looking for “piqued.” He’s peaked my interest in punching him in the
- I originally wrote “Huxely” instead of “Huxtable.” As if the
handsome dyslexic were really a lame sci-fi writer who liked LSD.
- Nothing has been pointed out as incorrect in this paragraph… yet.
Give it time I suppose. I think I learned something from writing this
review. Mainly, writing a review of a reading two weeks after it
happened, on your smart phone as you ride the train, is a bad idea.
Especially when you were half sick / half tipsy at said reading,
sitting in the back where you couldn’t see the readers and could only
hear half of what they said. Whoops. Sorry for being a failure. <3
EVENT: QUICKIES! | JUNE 14, 2011 AT 7PM | INNERTOWN PUB
You Don’t Know How It Feels To Be Pulled Inside Out: An Ode To Bull Shannon (story by Mary Hamilton published in PANK Magazine)
Reader Meet Author (interview with Mary Hamilton in What to Wear During an Orange Alert?)